Kind Words That Can be Toxic If You Are Depressed

Often when people meet those struggling with mental health issues, they want to offer support or advice. However, sometimes the words that are supposed to be kind turn out to be most insensitive and cruel. They may be said with the best intentions but are essentially products of ignorance and insensitivity towards mental health issues. Read below to check if you have also unknowingly uttered these words:

1. Don’t take stress.

How amazing it would be if I could take stress, return it, or pass it around. Stress is not something someone buys from the vegetable market. I do not specifically request for 5 kgs of depression with 2 kgs anxiety and some complimentary self-esteem issues. It happened to people. Stress is not a choice. I repeat, no one chooses to get stressed, much less they choose stomach-ache or fractures. It is cruel if you imply that what is plaguing them is something they feel based on their own volition.

2. Count your blessings.

Yes, I know that I am blessed, endowed, and privileged. Depression does not discriminate on the basis of who has more. An iconic film star who supposedly has everything you’d ever want is just as vulnerable as a middle or lower class person. It is true that the privileged can seek treatment, but when people think they are reminding those with depression of their blessings, it guilts them for feeling what they feel and imply that they are ungrateful. They are not. They see them and want to relish them. They just can’t.

3. Others are worse off.

Comparing the mental health of different people who are at different stages of their lives is merely insensitive. The one thing I wish I could drill in people’s heads is- you don’t know anyone’s journey. And yes, there are several others who are suffering infinitely more- there always will be. Does that mean no one has the right to depression or anxiety? Or does that mean that a person has to justify their ugly and painful feelings? Don’t pit people against others who are suffering more. There will always be those struggling for basic needs. While that should always make us grateful for what we have, it does not snatch the right for people to feel things the way they do, or invalidate their pain.

4. What is the point of taking stress or getting upset?

Ummmmmmmmmmm. No there is no point. And nobody sees the plunge in the abyss as the key to productivity. A person with mental health can be curling up in bed or can have high-functioning anxiety. People try to imply that since certain external factors can’t be changed, ‘taking’ stress is not justified. Yes, I am aware of it. Anxiety is irrational- it makes us believe things are worse than they often are. Depression almost becomes a filter in our life, where some view everything through the lens of perennial sadness. Understanding this would be true kindness.

5. You are stronger than that. Try and fight it.

Yes, I am strong. I am brave. Because I fight my inner demons and external factors that push me repeatedly in the abyss. And I struggle to crawl out of it every day. Again and again. Mental health issues are not about strength and weakness. People do fight it. Every time they do the most mundane things when they do not even feel like leaving the bed, every time they conquer anxiety to deliver that presentation, every time they pretend to be happy and cordial in social situations when they just want to scream or cry and become invisible. Folks with mental health fight a battle daily- some days they win, some days they don’t. Kindly do not relate depression to weakness. This is the reason many refuse to own up to it and prefer to suffer in silence.

6. Try and stay happy in life.

Wow, wonderful advice. Simple, right? Just stay happy and all will be sorted. It may surprise you that we all want to be happy, we all strive to do just that. Several depressed people don’t feel happy at all, no matter what happens in their life. They may feel relieved, only for anxiety or sadness to return next minute. It’s a shadow they live with. The advice, “stay happy” assumes that a depressed person can control their emotions- they cannot. Not always.

7. Don’t be sad.

Breaking news- sadness and depression are different. Sadness is an emotion, while depression is a state that requires intervention. By equating them, the speaker shows their ignorance about depression, as well as belittles it. As mentioned above, statements like these assume that people control their emotions and can automatically switch sadness off. Simple solution!

8. Do something to pass your time.

It is a harsh and heartless assumption that depression or any other mental health issue is a product of boredom. If only it were so easy as ‘getting busy’. If only you could peak within those who are meeting all deadlines, honouring all commitments, and doing all their chores flawlessly and see how torn, broken, stifled or in pain they are. Mental health issues are not connected to time or rather, free time. While it is true that doing certain activities can reduce your stress, there is a difference between attempting to feel better through therapeutic activities and passing time.

These words are usually spoken by those who have themselves never gone through any issues. If they did, they would understand how painful it is to hear any of them. It is hurtful to see your trauma or endless pain being trivialized by anyone. If you have anyone around you going through depression, anxiety, or any other mental health issue, please be kind to them and not say any of the above.

P.S. I have suffered both depression and anxiety and have heard all this and more. I believe how you treat people around you is very important.

Have you heard any of this while you were suffering? Let me know in the comments below.