How to Replace Entitlement with Gratitude in Relationships
Whenever I returned from Delhi to my hometown for vacations, my best friend would take my phone, ask for password, or add her own fingerprint, and go through my gallery, chats on Facebook Messenger, WhatApp, and SMS and call log to check who did I speak to on a regular basis. She thought she had the right to do so, a right to know what was happening in my life as my best friend. Apart from a gross invasion of privacy, it was merely a form of arrogance and entitlement- the belief that she is owed this in the relationship.
I returned to my hometown and stayed curled up in my blanket for first three days because I felt depressed. My best friend found out that I contacted her the fourth day and not the minute I booked tickets. I told her about the last minute plan and the depression. There was no compassion. Only the anger of not being told when I landed and not meeting her within first 24 hours. As she made me apologise several times for my depression, I wondered what exactly was happening? What made her so insensitive- the belief that she was owed this in the relationship.
Growing up I often heard my relatives complain whenever they went to their in-laws’ that they were not treated like a guest. As most of you know, son in-laws in Indian culture are to be worshipped on a pedestal. And that is exactly what they expected. So no matter what the effort from the other side, it always fell short. What did they do precisely to be deemed a deity? Nothing. What entitles them to those expectations? The belief that they are owed this in the relationship.
In college, I befriended a toxic woman who believed it was her right to be better than everyone else while pretending to harbour an inferiority complex to garner attention and sympathy. Since we were close, I would often share a lot of things with her. I was equally or more close with my hostel mates since they were my family away from family. Eventually, she began arguing with me every time she learnt something about my life later than my roommate who was literally there when things happened. She maintained that I should have called her right after something happened or at least not have waited for Monday to tell her. What made her think she deserved to know everything that happens in my life the same minute? The belief that she is owed this in the relationship.
Healthy relationships sometimes take a lot of effort and sometimes proceed effortlessly. But there are several vices that can undermine or strip a relationship of its beauty and warmth. One such vice is a product of self-centredness and ego: a sense of entitlement. When people approach every relationship with this notion, they believe it is almost their birth right to be treated a certain way, told everything, given importance, replied to immediately, make adjustments for them etc- that they deserve better. When we start harbouring this notion in our hearts, no matter what someone does, it will always be insufficient for us, lacking in several ways. And what we ‘deem’ acceptable is nullified as the bare minimum that we were owed to any way. Such an attitude breeds anger, resentment, bitterness and chips away at relationships.
You end up belittling every relationship you have. Because the efforts put by another human being in reality can hardly ever match up to the gigantic banner of idyllic expectations in your imagination. Consequently, the best, most sincere, loving and caring people will fall short. There is nothing wrong with having expectations from your partner, parents, siblings or friends. But these expectations need to rooted in reality, context, and mindful of the other person. They also need to be reasonable, with flexible boundaries- your definition of love, care, fun, etc. may not be the same as the other; allow for differing interpretations.
For a moment, think about how beautiful life would be if we did not take anyone or anything they did for granted. If they stayed up an extra hour or wake up early just for you, cook special things, arrange for things before you asked for them- if we start seeing each of them not as our right but as a selfless act of love and affection, just think how loved we would feel at all times. Just wonder how precious and beautiful each relationship will feel. When we recognise that what our parents, siblings, family members, friends and partner do for us is not what is owed to us but born out of their compassion and needs to be valued, we imbue that relationship with the respect and appreciation it deserves and begin valuing it.
Here is the key: no one OWES you anything.
Respect, time, love, trust and value are gifts that are earned. Gradually. Consistently, Humbly. It’s not bestowed upon you as your rightful object. If someone does not confide in you, instead of getting angry at why you were not told, ask yourself why that happened- were they busy, still processing it, worried about your reaction or judgement, or just did not feel comfortable talking to you. Look within if you have given any reasons to the other person for refraining to confide in you or maybe allow them some time and space without building anger within yourself. Similarly, just because someone is elder to you, does not mean they automatically deserve your respect. Are their actions worth your respect? if no, then do not be guilted into it. If people fail to earn these, they have no reason to expect any better.
Recognising the people in our lives as blessings, understanding that each personal conversation they have with you, each secret they confide in you, each small gesture, everything is because you gave them the safe space, appreciated them, saw love in their actions and earned their trust is a humbling thought. It makes you a better person, not just for your own self, but for people in your lives too. Let’s not allow sense of entitlement to erode our relationships and celebrate the love in our life!